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Lucid Dreaming at the Beginning

It’s like seeing clearly, for the first time, from the centre of your head, as if you are actually in there looking out at all the stuff you think you need to know or be or think about. And then realising that normal thinking is like a dog chasing its tail, panting about seeking its own cause around the periphery, trying to convince itself of something. When you’re there, at the point from which you can think about what you think about from the inside of it, all that other stuff is like a dream of paper butterflies fluttering about the edge of perception; it’s a flighty nothingness that fails to compel. And that’s when you realise you’re at the point where reality comes into being.

The cosmic soup swells and flows with no discernible direction or order. Nothing stands out or holds firm here. It flows but comes from nowhere. Something dwells but I don’t know what. All is aimless motion in the chaosmos.

For an unaccountably long time nothing else happens. Then a small hole appears and through this gap the universe begins to pour. The stars are birthed in blazing glory, hideously gigantic balls of flame, incandescently dense magnetic spheres rocketing through space at impossible rates, brilliant spawn of the cosmos – these are the first progeny.

Movements have quickened, but remain without aim. On spiral arms I am held in orbit, a speck of dust reveling in fresh awareness of my existence, rotating around nothing. A current has appeared, a downward drag towards which life is attracted. There is a new kind of flow upon which we course, a new event towards which we are drawn; a path. Some semblance of order has appeared. Out of the shifting sands of matter in the formless void a small ball firms up on the current. It is a tiny moment of absolute insignificance. The universe churns on, eddies in the stream here, conflagrations large enough to swallow everything we think we know in a millionth of a second there; while a luminous haze of explosive nuclear material spreads for eons, in flashes of a spectrum wider, broader and deeper than the one we can normally even begin to visualize, spanning out across a horizon the size of our galaxy in a cloud of gaseous dust that we will see so many millennia later, and for so brief a time, that we will believe it to be a solid physical formation rather than the wave of kaleidoscopic stuff tripping across the abyss that it actually is.

I slow down as gravity forces me to coalesce. A core is solidifying, with myself rotating around it. Now there is a centre that cannot help but hold, the beginnings of a body. It knows me before I know it. This is spooky, as if I am a spectator on my own arrival, but I get used to it so quickly that soon I’ve forgotten it ever happened. Still, in quiet moments, it haunts. The body, before I landed, recognized me. I put the disconcerting aspect of this aside and concentrate on the boon. Because at least now I know that this is a game played out by an idea chasing its genesis around the garden. The reality was always still, at the centre, before it knew itself as a passenger on a mystery that appeared, for no reason, then became something: a self, a body, a moment, a flight of fancy that is as real as anything else, a luminous haze across the endless darkness of night.

One comment

  1. ‘as if I am a spectator on my own arrival…The reality was always still, at the centre, before it knew itself as a passenger on a mystery that appeared, for no reason, then became something: a self, a body, a moment, a flight of fancy that is as real as anything else, a luminous haze across the endless darkness of night.’

    Ah wow. I often feel like this in waking life, a spectator of my own arrival, a passenger. I cannot comprehend how loudly this resonated for me. Thank you. This is shannon by the way, I finally let myself get lost in this cosmos, I wanted to make sure I had the time to fully surrender to the site for a little while because I knew that it would be a worthy journey. I have just returned from a road trip to byron to stay at a rainbow temple. It was an otherworldly experience. I will leave my email so that we can keep in contact. I hope life is as you would have it.



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